FAIL KITCHEN - Pinata Cookies Loooooooool

How to Make Pull-Apart Cheesy Bread - Fail Kitchen

Fail Kitchen Lineup - July

Another big month here on Fail Kitchen. I’ve got recipes coming out my ears. At least thirty I haven’t had a chance to write out yet, and so many more we’ve done and are doing. Here’s what’s coming up:

Magic Custard Cake: This tasted fantastic. It didn’t, um, look like the picture though.  Recipe Here.
Again, a great try. We almost had this one.  Recipe Here.

Red, White and Blue Candy Bars. And this was last week’s episode. I moved it up in line because it was supposed to be patriotic. Only the blue and red and white kind of didn’t show up. We tried. Recipe Here.

And these are still waiting for their video debut!

Cheesy Pull-apart Bread. Original recipe here:
Heart-shaped Hard Boiled Eggs. Original recipe here:

Pinata Cookies. Original recipe here: 

Next up for filming?

Dog sandwich buns, which just say…bake in the oven. What could go wrong? Recipe Here:
I will only be frosting ONE cupcake like this. Because seriously? Recipe Here:

Ice Cream Cupcakes? Maybe I could do this? Recipe Here:
And yes, I’ve totally been avoiding this apple pie like thing. Because ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT PICTURE? I need more energy to attempt. Recipe Here:

And amazingly, that’s just a tiny silver of what’s coming up. After these? We’ve got:

The Epic Homemade Candy Bar
Apple Crescent Roses
Baked Egg Avocados
Homemade Samoas

Phew. It’s going to be a busy summer!

And don’t forget our latest videos, omg.

The “patriotic” candy bars…

Watermelon cake, which was OH SO CLOSE.

Zebra Cake, which my friends have started lovingly referring to as vagina cake. Yum.


And the Oreo Ice Cream Cake, where my kids pretty much steal the show.

Plus a whole bunch more on the Fail Kitchen Youtube Channel. Go subscribe!

what does “Corporations are people” mean?

In light of the recent SCOTUS ruling on Hobby Lobby and other corporate giants being allowed to deny women birth control within their health coverage plans because it goes against their religious beliefs, I thought a primer on the laws surrounding corporations as people was in order.

Slate does a good job covering some of the bases of this particular case, but let’s sum up:

- Eric Posner, writing for Slate, reminds us that the word “people” in terms of corporations a sort of legalese short cut—never a good idea, in my opinion, to mince inexact words when describing the law.

- This ‘artificial person’ (going back to the 1700s definition) has certain rights: property ownership and contractual rights, to be specific. As such an entity, it is responsible in the courts as itself, which protects the shareholders. In other words, the buck stops (or is supposed to stop) at the corporation because the Supreme Court went ahead and made it its own thing. This, in turn, protects the owners as well, because when Hobby Lobby (or any corporation) fails financially, the actual people behind the artificial person do not suffer the immense losses involved in billion-dollar industries.

- Until recently, according to the New York Times, the “Supreme Court, in business cases, has held that “incorporation’s basic purpose is to create a legally distinct entity, with legal rights, obligations, powers, and privileges different from those of the natural individuals who created it, who own it, or whom it employs.””

- Until, of course, the Citizen’s United case, where, as Slate says, the justices based their ruling not on corporations as individuals with rights but on the real individuals behind the corporations and their rights as a collective group.

The ruling this week was simply an extension of this incredibly garbled, incredibly unethical ruling.

What we are looking at now is Hobby Lobby owners asserting that their religious beliefs as individual people behind a corporation, should be a basis for how that corporation is ruled upon in a court of law. They are, in essence, making themselves responsible for the actions of Hobby Lobby, intertwining Hobby Lobby as an artificial person with them as real people. They are saying they want to become Hobby Lobby, so that they can use the business to push their agenda.

And, in doing this, they also want to maintain the separation of themselves from their business when it comes to protecting their own assets monetarily. And the Court said yes.

Nutshell: In ruling that Hobby Lobby can restrict women’s health care, the Court has muddled two entities—the real person owner and the fake person corporation—giving the owner/corporation mutant all the protections of both—free speech, freedom of religion, freedom to engage in contracts, freedom to sue (as either entity), freedom to own property.

In doing so, the Court has neglected to relook at those protections on a grand scale, so that the owners of Hobby Lobby could turn around in bankruptcy and say “just kidding, we aren’t Hobby Lobby, we’re the people behind it. Don’t punish us.” And the Court would be like, “yup, you’re good.”

This week, we have seen the elevation of big businesses and their owners. We have seen the crippling demise of the worker, in real time.

Keep in mind, the average Hobby Lobby employee makes less than $9 an hour.

Who really needs protecting here?

And who is the bad guy?

Honestly, in this case, I blame our Supreme Court. Someone needs to delve into this corporation person thing and straighten it the hell out.

For more on how this impacts women and society, check this post out by Life, Love, Liturgy.

This nougat is going to have chunks in it…

I've got a genuine question: Considering I only ever really see fat women advocating HAES and wanting to be seen as attractive by men, why is it that I see hypocrisy in regards to whom these "body-loving" activists date. I don't see many large women with large men, but instead with skinnier men. Why is that?


Probably it’s because people fall in love with other people, regardless of size or weight. Or maybe because individuals are allowed their preference of body type? As for you not seeing “many large women with large men” how about 1) it’s not your business, and 2) open your eyes the rest of the way?

I don’t know what else to tell you. Your perception is not reality, and even if it were, a thin man and a heavier woman have every right to be together without being (incredibly strangely) labeled hypocrites.

I mean, you can love all body types (sans scare quotes) without being in a relationship with them. It sounds like you are only seeing what you want to see.

Watermelon Cake Fail











Mila Kunis Against Men Saying “We Are Pregnant” - Video

What the fuck is this bullshit and why was it recommended for me?

It’s not like men are involved in the creation of the baby or anything.

I mean shit, I understand that pregnancy is an extremely strenuous thing on the woman, but that doesn’t mean that a dude can’t be proud of the fact that he’s going to be a father.

Hmm. Weird how someone would want to be considered a part of the pregnancy…
There goes all of my respect for Mila Kunis.

My goodness, women like this have some fucking nerve. Good luck Ashton.

Please stop.

Pregnancy is a very dangerous time for cis-women. Until cis-men are capable of nine months of pain without the ability to take painkillers, followed by hours of one of the most painful experiences a human can undergo, I agree with Mila Kunis. It is your child. Not your pregnancy. You don’t get a fucking medal for sticking your dick inside someone and impregnating them, you get a child. So no, you don’t need a fucking spotlight highlighting your months of work and pain and the fact that you can potentially die trying to bring life into the world when you have not undergone any of the physical effort.

Things you can expect during pregnancy: Anemia, urinary tract infections, constipation, mental health conditions including intense depression, hyperemesis gravidarm (basically when persistent vomiting is more than just morning sickness and requires hospitalization). Not to mention there are dozens of infections that can cause serious problems. (x) (x)

Oh and the fact that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages which obviously requires hospitalization for the pregnant woman and causes a lot of emotional trauma.

Or that you can’t consume alcohol, most types of fish, you can’t expose yourself to hot water (or any heat, really), or get an x-ray. You cannot eat lunch meats, raw sprouts (radishes, alfalfa, etc.), soft cheeses, anything unpasteurized is out, as are foods with raw or undercooked eggs. And caffeine can lead to miscarriages, so say goodbye to coffee, teas, and chocolate. (x) (x) (x)

About 2 million pregnancy losses occur annually in the U.S.; 6 million babies are born. 25% of pregnancies are lost.

14.5% of pregnant women will experience at least one pregnancy complication.

11% of women are diagnosed with post partum depression.


800 women die because of pregnancy-related problems in the U.S. annually. (x)

Labor can last for 36 hours or more. You’re in a room full of strangers, who are all seeing your vagina, your blood, your shit, your piss, and your agony. It’s common for tearing to occur during the delivery (x) and after the baby is born you still have to deliver the placenta (essentially an organ).

Pregnancy is terrifying, dangerous, and uncomfortable. None of you have the right to shit on Mila Kunis for telling the truth: You do not deserve the spotlight of your wife’s pregnancy. So get over yourselves. Yes, the father CAN be proud, and he should be. But it’s not his pregnancy. He is not the one who will endure it.

It is not weird that someone would want to be involved in their wife’s pregnancy. It is weird that you have the fucking nerve to lose respect for someone reminding you that the father is not the pregnant one in the picture.

So please, stop.

Today in male entitlement: now women ”have some nerve” if they remind men that they are not, in fact, the pregnant ones. 

What Mila said is that the child is YOURS not the PREGNANCY

OMG the TEARS on this thread.

Ooh, they tried it.

Not all fetuses

The Internet Boobs Aren’t the Problem

Hey Lauren,

Hi, there.

I’m Darlena.

As I’m sure you’re well aware by now, your post about internet boobies ruining your marriage made quite a stir.

Don’t worry, I’m not here to judge you, and I don’t hate you, and you didn’t make me mad.

What I really want to say to you is this:

Do you know how beautiful you are?

Let me be the first (or millionth) to tell you: You are freaking gorgeous.

You’re gorgeous in your profile picture, with your hair all done and your makeup on. And you are gorgeous with flat hair and sweat dripping from your forehead. You are magnificent. There is not one internet boob that stands a chance against you. I mean that and it is important. You hold within you the power of a billion internet boobs. They are not a threat to you. You are worth so much more than a crack of cleavage. I promise you.

Are you alone? I mean…lonely? I’ve only moved to FL, a two hour plane ride from my friends and family, and I can tell you, there were days when my girls were little where I didn’t speak a word. Days and days at a time. I just ask because it sounds like you could use a hug. Or at least a cup of coffee with a friend, where you both just sit around and do nothing and laugh at the world for being the world. It sounds like maybe you’ve been too busy or too stressed or both, lately, to see your true self. The awesomeness that is you.

Whether you’re decked out in a Brazilian bikini, or chilling in a tankini with a skirt attached, I can guarantee you that you look phenomenal. And more than that, I’m sure, as a person, you are phenomenal.

Your husband thinks so. He married not a set of boobies and what I’m sure is a fantastic ass, but a person. You.

And from what little you said about him in your piece, he sounds like a really nice, stand-up guy. The kind of guy who would willing avert his eyes from Internet friends’ bikini shots because they make you uncomfortable. Someone who is willing to adhere respectfully to your boundaries is a keeper, for sure.

Another important thing to discuss before I get into the nitty-gritty is that you have a right to feel uncomfortable. You have a right to your feelings. I would mildly suggest you attempt to change your outlook, but, honestly, it’s because I’ve been there, girl. I’ve been right there, and feeling that way freaking sucks. It sucks. It’s horrible to have to feel that way. It’s life-sucking, energy-draining and futile.

This here:

"After Memorial Day, I noticed so much skin on social media that I half-yelled a warning to him as I ran out the door one morning. It’s summertime, honey! Beware the beach pics and half nude girls on Instagram! And like that, he was in solitary confinement from all virtual community for the next two days. 

Protecting his eyes, protecting his heart.”

is like the saddest thing I’ve ever read.

It’s seconded only to this:

"When your bare shoulders and stretchmark-less bellies and tanned legs pop up, I not only worry if my husband will linger over your picture. I worry how he will compare me to you. 

As I wrap myself into his arms at night, I wonder if he is seeing you there instead of my mess of a body left over from pregnancy. I wonder if he thinks I’m lazy and that I don’t take good care of myself. I wonder if he wishes I looked more like you than who I really am.”

To which I just want to say, “oh, honey” in all sincerity.

You (the general you) spend time rating your friends and enemies. How do they not have cellulite? That is a legit question! And stretch marks, God, have I cried about my stretchmarks. I’m not one of those “they are my tiger stripes” women, let me tell you. I won’t have sex without a shirt on, and I have, like, really high self-esteem. In fact, if we were facebook friends, your post would have been directed at me.

What’s up, girlfriend?

This shouldn’t make us enemies, dude. That pic up there is nothing to you. And it carries no threat. I promise.

And you were very pointed in saying you weren’t judging women who post these shots. Rather, it was more like you were asking them a personal favor. For you.  For your marriage. The thing is…well, you can’t really ask the internet for a personal favor. It doesn’t work that way. And the second you imply random internet people need to make a change (which may be unhealthy for them) for you, is the second you cast blame, however implicitly, and is the second you cross the line.

Of course people are mad. Even though you said you weren’t shaming them, you totally just shamed them.

Moving on from them, though, if your husband hasn’t given you reason not to, how about giving him a chance? He doesn’t need to protect his eyes or his heart. They belong to you. Internet boobies do not come between true love. And the visual thing? That’s silly. You know it’s silly. Don’t give men an excuse like that. They have autonomy. They have control over themselves. They are human beings just like we are. They can and do stop themselves from making those types of mistakes. And if they don’t? It is their fault.

It is their fault.

Not ours. Not yours. And if they somehow cannot help themselves, and refuse to acknowledge that they are a thinking human being? Then you don’t need to be married to them. I mean, it would be like you being, I can’t read or do maths! I’m a woman! Our sex, our biology, does not overrun our judgment.

And the internet hate you’re getting right now? I’m sorry about that, I really am… But I’m hoping you’re looking at it.

The way you are dealing with this isn’t healthy for you. It’s a game you will never win. Other women exist and they all have boobs and butts. No matter where you go, you’re going to run into them. They will never not be there. And if that eats at your insecurities, you are in for a life of pain. That’s why they’re suggesting counselling (albeit, I’m sure not kindly). Because if you don’t think you’re superior to some random internet boobies, your self image isn’t being fair to the goddess I’m sure you are.

And you know it. You already know it. You started your whole post with “I can’t believe I’m typing this” like three times.

Not only can’t you stop women from posting their fun, empowering vacation shots, you shouldn’t want to. Everyone is beautiful, and asking someone else to hide their beauty so that you can feel more secure in yours is just backwards.

And it won’t work. Not in the long run.

Love yourself, Lauren. We do.

The point is, changing the attire of every woman in the world is not only impossible, it’s also not going to help you. Your problem doesn’t lie within us.

I don’t often spam my other, outside projects here, but I think this could help you. It’s a body positivity page called "We don’t need an excuse." Here are a few pictures on there to give you an idea of what it’s about.

Every woman on there feels beautiful in the skin she’s in. Join us. It’s better over here. Trust me. I’ve been on your side, too. This side is so much better.

I wish you luck.